kerana diriku begitu berharga ;D

"mak, pagi td kene sengat binatang.." sobssss sket.

"xpelah.. sje nk bg rase la tuh. adik kn xpenah kne sengat dek pape, stakat kerengga mse kecik2 pon da lalung.." (lalung is melalak menangis dlm bahase perok)

terdiam sekejap.

aahlah, seumur hidup, ni first time kne sengat cmni.

and i'm not really sure la tu sbnonye lebah ke, tebuan ke, penyengat ke, ntah hape2 lagi lah serangga penyengat yg seangkatan dgnnye. yg penting, ia mempunyai sengat, n ia menyakitkan.

sou ieba, sy memang x tahan saket.

mslh jugaklah setiap kali nk tampal gigi nk kne bius dlu, dek kerana x tahan saket. smpi abg dentist pon pening nk melayan. hew3.

nanti nk kawen dgn inche dentist lah!

*tibetibe kan*

dulu-dulu dok berangan nk kawen dgn inche dokter. eheee. bukan sbb inche dokter bergaji kaya, tp sbb terasa mcm selamat bile inche dokter sentiasa berada di sisi. klo buley letak dlm poket, lama dah sy wat, smbil usung ke hulu ke hilir. plus, save sket la xya g jupe n bayar dokter laen kt klinik. ehehee.

skrg ni, dentist pn mcm menarik. nnt kot2 saket gigi lagi kot kang, senang sket, inche abe bley tgok kn. huahuahua. berangan tahap petala ketujuh dah nih.

kerana diriku begitu berharga! *iklan sekejap*

eyh bakal suami inche engineer pon ap salahnye. kerana engineering itu cool lagi menawan, 

seperti sy *uhuk uhuk*

iA soon to be engineer ;)

p/s-eyh, sy bukan mata duitan. tidak sama sekali. tidak memandang darjat ataupun nama. kerna sy jugk insan biasa. tp beselah, nama pun berangan kn. mne ade org berangan mende yg m'bosankan. hew3.

sumpah, i am really sorry.

i used to be a very hot-blooded person.

maybe, still i am.

and i'm fine with it since i'll get angry for reasons, not silly one, but through my right-mind state judgment, i'm not wrong for being angry, though maybe how i'm expressing my anger is pretty much hateful.

but i've come to hate myself when it happens to my family, especially towards my parents. when they are doing something that i can't really accept, or something i don't like, i just can't hold my anger no matter how hard i try to suppress them.

and that's what happened just now, through the phone. i was not aware of my high voice tone. i kept saying something that i know would hurt my mom, and i can't even control it. and after seconds, my heart hurt so much thinking of the fact that i was hurting her. and even worse, i can't even say sorry.

that is the difference, between a mom and a friend.

it is way easier to say sorry to a friend compared to asking forgiveness from a mother, or a father. i'm born that way. even on hari raya, we don't have that salam-salam mohon ampun on the pagi raya. and we're not the type of family who will normally and spontaneously confessing love towards each other. so, it's kinda weird and awkward to say sorry even after making a mistake. 

i still remember a year ago, same thing happen. i got angry to my mom, and that was the worst ever happen in my life. regretting what had happened for few days, finally i was able to bring up myself to say sorry to her. and u know what was her response?

she cried, a lot. i meant, really really lot which made me spilling my tears too. it was too heartbreaking and make me realize that she must be holding her feeling really well since she always act like everything is fine.

and from that day on, i've promised myself that i'll control my anger well, and behave myself.

but today, my anger just cracked out again.

i hate myself!

but i hate the one who's being the issue in our talk which lead to this tense between us, more.

and now, again, i am full of regret, wishing everything was never happen. had we not talked about that matter, we would happily end our phone talk like always. 

it must be hard for my mom to have such a daughter like me.

being sorry is actually not gonna help anything until u interpret it into words.

i know that.

but, i'm just unable to bring up myself to say that sorry word again, at least till the moment i'm writing this post. i keep telling myself, that mom would just know, how much i'm regretting my bad behavior to her, how much i hate myself for not being able to say sorry to her. i wish my mom know that.

at least, with Allah's will, she knows, i love her so much.

old pitch, da 3kali kot huplod kt belog nih.

my mom, x sevogue mama-mama yg laen, tp tervogue di hati ini.

i am really sorry mother.

i really really am.

kahwin. kawen. kawin?

ehem ehemmm. undangan wedding di sana sini.

haih, jgnlah wat sy terasa seperti sy ni tua sgt n da masok fasa umo wajib kawen boleh x?

i'm 23 years old baru!

ok, soon to be 24 la kan.

tp my ideal age nk kawen is 25, another 2 years to go.

tp, adekah pada zaman itu nnt 25 tu da dikira macam anak dara lanjut usia?

ohemgeeee.

bayangkanlah umo 13tahun pun da kawen? kembali ke zaman retro mak ayah kita hok kawen muda-muda tu dulu ke kite nih?

well, trending zaman memang sebegitu kan. yg lama akn up blik m'jd trending t'kini, contoh paling senang, tudung bunga2 dlu tuh. oh x dilupakn jugak, style pakai serkup kepala smpi terkeluar tuh. owh, sungguh x indah. klo beberapa tahun dulu org akn ckp, siyes MAKCIK gilerrr. tp skrg, haih, fesyen tudung kalah benggali.

oh melalut plak.

layan lagu sket. lullaby sungguh utk tdo kan?

mud sedeyh sgt la tp nye... haiss.. layan kan aje.

iitai kotonye di sini, oh anda semua, jgnlah kawen cepat sgt. 

fesbuk berlambak giler gmb org kawen dok suwit-suwit peluk sana peluk sini. paling xley blah gmb nk b'cium bagai. hoitt, tau la da halal. tp agak-agaklah jugak, agak mental harassment jugaklah terhadap org muda belia yg x kawen lg seperti sy ni tau x? 

tp btol jugak, kalau jodoh da nak dtg kan? ehehehe.

jodoh itukan rahsia Tuhan.

bertemu berpisah, semuanya kuasa Tuhan.

sebab-musabab pertemuan n perpisahan tu mungkinlah tidak berapa enak untuk difikirkan, tp mesti ad reason tertentu di sebalik setiap sesuatu kan?

"to run to anything else is to resist the irresistible. to seek other than the One, is to become scattered, but never filled.

so, on this path to where we began, who else can we run to? what else can we seek? after all, we all want the very same thing: to be whole, to be happy, to again say:

we're home." - reclaim your heart.

eyh, anyway, hamboiii senyap-senyap b'tunang, sejak bilekah itu inche ex?

tp memanglah b'tunang tu kene dirahsiakan kn, soudesune. wajarlah.

semoga berbahagia ke anak cuculah hendaknya.

oh tidak lupa.

go go gaza!

the least we can do.

suda mendonlod application iGaza?

ia adalah application yg sangat sy cadangkan anda m'donlodnya seandainya wujud perasaan ingin mengambil tahu perihal saudara seagama di Gaza sana. beritanya diupdate dengan sangat pantas, malah bukan setakat berita, segala macam info tentang 'perang' yg sedang melanda Gaza-Israel pun ada.

memanglah malam tido x lena dek fon berdering notification berita x henti-henti.

tp bayangkan mereka yg langsung x b'kesempatan untuk tido dek bom kedebum kedebang sana sini m'gegar bumi Gaza.

the least we can do.

x punya cukup ilmu untuk berlagak sy tahu.

tp xkn la pulak nk membodohkan diri dgn berdiam diri supaya terus x tahu.

mari cetuskan minat untuk ambil tahu.

andai rajin dan bersemangat mengoogle tentang artis korea, x salah luangkan sedikit masa untuk google pulak tentang gaza.

"...maybe we should realise, being a practising muslim in every aspect of life can eventually help our beloved brothers and sisters who are suffering out there.."

"questions to you and me

1) hw can Allah answer our prayer to save Gaza if we cnt even wake up on time for subuh?

2) hw can we rule the world when we cnt even manage our time and life properly?

3) hw can we beat israel when we only know hw to complain hw hard studies/research/work is..?

hrm, getting to the point, we have to do our part, because they r doing their part

action speaks louder than words

lets keep spreading the news, lets keep praying, lets improve ourselves!"

tertusuk ke jantung jugaklah membacanya.

beberapa hari lepas terasa sungguh beremosi dek tweet seorang insan yg mengatakan "prayers are for fools", terasa laju aje diri ini nk membalas tuwitnye sambil memaki hamun dek kerana kenyataan agak-biadap-n-bajet-bijak-pandai nya itu.

then, sy b'jaya menenangkan diri dgn mengingatkan diri sendiri, jaga sikit akhlak tu, baru jek usrah blaja pasal akhlak. Islam x ajar maki-maki orang x bape cerdik nih. jadinya sy cuba mengambil tindakan yg sy rsekan lebih wajar n bijak iaitu dgn mendeletenya drpd senarai following sy - usaha untuk m'jge hati sndri.

iitai kotonya di sini, lets keep praying.

n dlm mse yg sme, lets keep improving ourselves.

because that are the least we can do.

mohabbatein~

autumn.

promise me,

u'll never ever betray me,

as i'd try to tolerate anything, 

except for betrayal.

may a bright future ahead!

autumn & jerawat ?

sassuga muka bertatah berlian lah kulit sy nih!

dua hari lepas gedik nk pakai mask kgkonon nk membelai kulit bg mngantok tdo kn, sekali hari ni rse bertubi-tubi jerawat naek bagai cendawan tumbuh selepas hujan.

tidak menarik, lagi sakit.

maka beruntunglah mereka-mereka yg secara semulajadinya telah dikurniakn kulit cantek halus mulus bagai baby baru lahir tanpa perlu berusaha perabis duet bagai utk beli produk kecantikan, mahupun tidak perlu berusaha bermekap tebal berinci-inci utk menutup cela di muka, beruntunglah anda, anda, dan juga anda.

eyh, sy pun beruntung jugak.

lahir lahir, alhamdulillah cukup sifat, hidung mulut mata, kening semuanya susun terletak rapi aje kt muka. alah, setakat cela-cela jerawat gurai, x remajalah kalau xd jerawat ye dak?*ayat sedapkan hati.ngeh2*

pada pandangan sy, sebenonye, seorang wanita *ehem ehem* yg berhadapan dgn masalah kulit muka ni, nayami nya sama aje dgn wanita yg mngalami masalah berat badan, betul x?

berdietlah bagai nak rak pun, bersukan n bersenamlah sehabis tenaga pun, entahkan kenapa payah bebeno berat nk turun, ye dak?turun memanglah turun sekali sekala, tetapi utk mngekalknnye, dan juga m'istiqamahkan usaha, amatlah payah bukan?

dalam 100orang wanita bermasalah berat badan, dan berusaha utk mengatasinya, berapa ramai jek yg berjaya? memaaaaaanglaahhh.. wujud jek kot org2 yg berjaya kuruss setelah berusaha, tp dikalangan org sekeliling kita, boleh dibilang dgn jari kot kan bilangannya.

sameee lah jugak dgn org bermasalah kulit muka. jerawat ni, memang le suke naek ikot dan. tmbh2 klo yg kulit sensitip seperti sy, pantang sket cucuh bendasing kt muke, mula la nk menunjuk perasaan. bukan setakat ketidakmenarikan itu yg memberi impak di jiwa, malah, kesakitannya turut membuatkan rse nk rendam muka dalam air beku biar hilang deria rasa.

kesimpulannya, tiada manusia yg sempurna. 

usah didengki mereka yg berkulit halus mulus, usah didengki mereka yg terlahir sejak azali kuruss. yakin jek la, ada hikmahnya kenapa anda adalah anda yg sekarang. kot kot ki sumanai jugak dgn diri yg sekarang, makanya, sy menyeru anda sekalian, istiqamahlah dlm mencetus perubahan.

biasanya kita ni memang nk kne ad misi n visi serta hala tuju yg kuat bru bley nk kick start btol2 kan?

like my friend, dieting sbb nk kawen, xnk gmbo kawen napok gemok katenye. 

klo kulit muke? 

"tutup dgn mekap 3,4 inchi flawless lah nanti" 

errrr...

tu pon buleh... 

nway, td b'koyou di dai. koyou tu mknenye menikmati daun kuning. ala, autumn kan.. 

my feberet season. ngehehe.

 senpais.

kouhais.

eyh tp gmb ni xbpe nk autumn la plak kan. hui3.

nanti-nantilah huplod gmbo. pasokon ni siyes mencari gadoh, nk kate berat, xpenah le plak donlod bendasing yg memberatkan.

haissssh.

 p/s- dun hate us because we're too beautiful.

p/s2- dun be a loser, speak ur mind. n btw, haters gonna hate kan? huahua!

25 vs 23

pengalaman memang mendewasakan.

memang.

nomikai hari isnin haritu. 

actually welcoming party for inche sono, the one yg depan skali n duduk tuh, center plak tuh *mmg inche sono rashiii*.. phd student from indonesia.

believe me or not, he's 25 y'old, yet already a phd student.

but me, already 23 y'old, yet still an undergraduate student.

how i'd wish i could tukar tmpt with him. hoh, da la tensai.

kadang-kadang bercakap dgn org tensai sgt ni pon otak kte buley jd sewel jugk sbnanye.

sewel sbb tensen dgn dri sndri.haha.

even our age gap is only 2 years, talking to him makes me feel like i'm having conversation with a 40 y'old man. too knowledgeable, and too much experiences. oh maiii...

well, have to admit bliaw ni mmg sgt tensai, even before dy dtg lg sensei-sensei da warning ktorg,

'org yg nk dtg nnt ni stock-stock level tokyo uni tau,' terngiang-ngiang lg kt telinge.

but, a 'teen' is still a 'teen'. haha.

bile masok bab-bab mengarut, dy memang xkn kalah. well, even x smpi 2bulan dy msok lab tuh, semua undergrade da mule suke dy even they can't really communicate that well, and that's the time when my existence is absolutely needed since i am so called 'aruki jisho' (walking dictionary), 

i'm hoping for a better name actually. heh. 

and being a translator is soo much fun i tell u. like pak fitra said,

'hafiza ini entah-entah dikorupsi nya bicara kamu!' 

haha!

agaklaa.. ada la sikit-sikit yg mne sy rse perlu ditukar edit-edit sikit, hehe. ye la, klo lawak-lawak tu susa kot nk translate sebijik-sebijik. anyway, pak fitra is another indonesian phd student, already 40++ y'old, and since pak erwin bfg to indonesia, pak fitra lah yg m'jd unofficial supervisor sy. hehe. dun worry, pak morikawa (morikawa sensei) sentiasa nombor1 di hati *winkwink*

eyh, kesimpulannya nk cakap,

pengalaman mendewasakan.

masih kurang membina pengalaman hidup sy nih. huhu.

hait, korekara motto motto jinsei wo tanoshimou! ippai ii omoide, ii keiken wo tsukurou!

november!

hello November!

been to lab after three days of unofficial holidays, and sy disambut seperti retisss!

homaii.. terase kewujudan diri ini sungguh bermakna. haha. no matter la people define it as exploitation or what, tp, berkeupayaan berbahasa japanese, english and malay, seriously membuatkn diri ini sungguh berharga.

harga seseorang manusia itu letaknya pada kadar ketergunaannya pada masyarakat kan, 

eheh. ayat xbley nk poyo lg. haruss.

nah, untuk insan2 tersayang.

i lap u! ;))