i used to be a very hot-blooded person.
maybe, still i am.
and i'm fine with it since i'll get angry for reasons, not silly one, but through my right-mind state judgment, i'm not wrong for being angry, though maybe how i'm expressing my anger is pretty much hateful.
but i've come to hate myself when it happens to my family, especially towards my parents. when they are doing something that i can't really accept, or something i don't like, i just can't hold my anger no matter how hard i try to suppress them.
and that's what happened just now, through the phone. i was not aware of my high voice tone. i kept saying something that i know would hurt my mom, and i can't even control it. and after seconds, my heart hurt so much thinking of the fact that i was hurting her. and even worse, i can't even say sorry.
that is the difference, between a mom and a friend.
it is way easier to say sorry to a friend compared to asking forgiveness from a mother, or a father. i'm born that way. even on hari raya, we don't have that salam-salam mohon ampun on the pagi raya. and we're not the type of family who will normally and spontaneously confessing love towards each other. so, it's kinda weird and awkward to say sorry even after making a mistake.
i still remember a year ago, same thing happen. i got angry to my mom, and that was the worst ever happen in my life. regretting what had happened for few days, finally i was able to bring up myself to say sorry to her. and u know what was her response?
she cried, a lot. i meant, really really lot which made me spilling my tears too. it was too heartbreaking and make me realize that she must be holding her feeling really well since she always act like everything is fine.
and from that day on, i've promised myself that i'll control my anger well, and behave myself.
but today, my anger just cracked out again.
i hate myself!
but i hate the one who's being the issue in our talk which lead to this tense between us, more.
and now, again, i am full of regret, wishing everything was never happen. had we not talked about that matter, we would happily end our phone talk like always.
it must be hard for my mom to have such a daughter like me.
being sorry is actually not gonna help anything until u interpret it into words.
i know that.
but, i'm just unable to bring up myself to say that sorry word again, at least till the moment i'm writing this post. i keep telling myself, that mom would just know, how much i'm regretting my bad behavior to her, how much i hate myself for not being able to say sorry to her. i wish my mom know that.
at least, with Allah's will, she knows, i love her so much.
old pitch, da 3kali kot huplod kt belog nih.
my mom, x sevogue mama-mama yg laen, tp tervogue di hati ini.
i am really sorry mother.
i really really am.