counting days

the final presentation is over,

was over,

the last two days.

that was me, concluding my presentation.

not as good as i had wanted it to be,

not that bad though.

it was just fine.

and now i'm counting days, not for me for leaving my beloved japan, but for others for leaving me,

oh i hate those feeling.

how i wish we don't have to go anywhere, just need to stay at the same place, doing the same thing we're doing right now. even there'll be time we'll be bored of each other, or maybe perhaps on the things we're doing endlessly the same, but, we just can figure out the solution together.

there're still so much thing to do, so much journey to be traveled, so much fun to be experienced together.

so much.

i'm hating the word goodbye.

why does it have to exist?

we were once young.

we were once young.

and we've grown up together.

great dad to be.

great man to be.

great cooker to be.

great mum to be.

awesome wannabe!

may Allah guide our ways.

may we get what the best for us.

wish d best of luck for the five of us.

Hiroshima University students, batch 2009.

time is over!

ni chenta pertama,

sebelum knal 2pm, jyj, big bang, shinee, super junior, mblaq, dan blah2 yg seangkatan dgnnye.

suatu ketika dlu xske sgt jnis2 yg sume sebok nk menyanyi menari jek ni. oh, dlu lah tp. haha.

ketika saat tegar b'sme band2 sebegini, cnblue dan flumpool (japan) ichibann daisuki!

dan skrg chenta da b'taut kembali. hakss!

lagu-lagu m'gegar kepala dek ketika otak ligat b'pusing stress dipenyek-penyek dek thesis dan segala yg b'kaitan dgnnye.

huuuu.. pray for me please!

seminggu jek lg wawa, gaman shite, seiipppai gambarou!

we're both lucky

i'm lucky to have him as my supervisor.

he's lucky to have me as his student.

'you're working too hard hafiza'

'because you're too kind and follow everything whatever he asks, that's why he can do that'

yesterday, my friend said this to me (as she's trying to comfort me),

'look at me, if sensei said he wants me to do until 100, i only did 10.

then, the next time he pushed me and said, ok lah, let's work hard and just finish it to 50, but still, i did only 30.

and so, finally he said,

ok, enough with 30.

he gives up.

but hafiza,

if sensei said he wants you to do until 100, u'll finish it until 100.

then, the next time sensei will ask for more since he knows u can do it, so 150, and u work hard to reach it.

and then, for the next next time, sensei will ask for 200, and u, muri ni natttemo, muri yari u'll do it.

and, that is why, there will be the next next next time, next and next and next.

endless.

he'll ask for more since he knows u'll try to do them until the end'

i just nodded. somewhat agreeable. as i said before, comparing me and my friends, i have the guts to say that i'm working harder than them.

'because he's too kind. i'm unable to bring out myself to say no. he's doing everything for me. and i guess, he must be tired to handle a foreign student like me.'

yep, seriously, this is my answer. 

i'm always telling my friends and my juniors that i have a really kindhearted sensei, he is like a dad. comparing him to another 2 senseis, i always say to myself that i'm really lucky to have him as my supervisor. he's super understanding, super tolerable, always talk to me in nice tone, he checks my presentation's layout words by words, sometimes he even writes the whole paragraph and asks me to just copy paste since he thinks it must be really hard for me to type in Japanese. in summarize, he's super kind, that's why he is a supervisor. lol. not to mention, my first day sy m'jejakkn kaki ke lab tu utk interview lab, he's the one yg jemput sy duduk tunggu dlm blik dy instead of mingle2 kt koridor mse nga waiting time.

baek bukan?

but then my friend said,

'he's been paid hafiza. it is his job. he has to work as much as he's being paid. and dun u ever think yourself as a burden to him. since he knows u can do it, that's why he had asked u to do more. if he's thinking the bad way, he'd never asked u to continue. he'll give up like my sensei.'

then she laughed.

my dear friend, i'm really appreciating your words and advice. (she's really caring, i swear!)

but u know, i'm being paid too. i got my scholarship, so i think, at least i should do my job properly too. even my scholar is too little to be compared to his salary, he's got much more work to do, much more students to be handled, papers to be marked, meetings to be attended, and bla bla bla.

but me, on the other hand, i just need to focus on my research.

that's all.

haha. but of course easy said than to be done.

kadang2 bile badan penat otak beku memamg hati ni dok m'berontak jugaklah. dok kua la idea2 jahat dri hati yg m'busuk,

but then, sedaya upaya mengingatkan hati,

curik instag ruby! thehe.

dan lagi satu hakikat yg menguatkan hati sy,

Allah x tengok hasil, Allah tengok usaha.

mata manusia giat menilai hasil, tp pandangan Allah lebih menumpu ke usaha.

jd, walaupun penat anda berusaha dan hasilnya tidaklah semengancam usaha anda itu,

pujuklah hati dgn hakikat ini ye!

doakan me plis!

yours sincerely.  

eyh, perlu rephrase ayat atas td,

i'm lucky to have him as my supervisor.

but they said 'he's lucky to have me as his student'.

in conclusion, we're both lucky.

theehee.

words for the day

mental confusion. that is the words for the day.

last entry was about the morning anxiety, the previous one was about the psychology test, and today, it's gonna be about the mental confusion.

okay, it is not really about the mental confusion. it will be more about sadness.

what is sadness?

according to the wikipedia, sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness and sorrow. these feelings of certain things are usually negative. when one is sad, people often become less outspoken, less energetic, and emotional. crying is often, but not necessarily an indication of sadness.

crying - that is actually the real word for the day.

i spent half of my day at lab crying today, and for some reasons, i felt really annoyed with myself. 

the problem is not that big (i guess), i just need to add few more simulation experiments which sensei said necessary for my presentation. since my simulations are pretty complex and there are too much of them till the main objective for my experiments is upside down, sensei wants something more firm for my final results.

i just nodded. even when sensei asked for my opinion, i just said,

'ok, let's do that'

even in my head, i am 100% sure, i dun wanna do that simulation again.

first, the software for the simulation is not in my pc anymore.

second, i dun wanna see that spider-web-look model anymore.

third, i have finished 80% writing my english version thesis. 

forth, i'm done with the slide presentation for the rehearsal next week.

fifth, i dun wanna think anymore.

sixth, i want to spend my time on translating the thesis into japanese version.

seventh, i am afraid if by last minute inspection i'd found something wrong with my models.

eighth, i am tired.

ninth, i am sad.

tenth, i have worked so hard.

and albeit for all of those ten reasons, i still couldn't accept the truth that i was crying badly through the evening. even until the end, when i walked home at 8, there's still some tears spilled out of my eyes. the last time i was crying this badly was during the canal treatment few months ago, but that was acceptable since the pain is no joke. 

i guess, it is because i am too tired. 

and comparing myself with the other six students, i have the guts to say that i'm working really hard. yet, why this is happening to me? 

plus the final reason which i think is actually the real reason for my unstoppable tears,

 i am disappointed with my own self.

for the first time in my life, i have found something i have really given my best to, yet, it is not going in my way. perhaps, Allah's way to test hambaNya.

but for now, i really need to rest, or else this swollen eyes would get worse by tomorrow morning. still have meeting with sensei tomorrow, to discuss what i'm going to do since the results for the new simulations (which i barely able to run them this evening as i was fighting back my tears) is not as expected.

please do pray for me.

ya Allah, please ease my way.

morning anxiety..?

orang yg suke makan benda manis ni pemarah orangnya.

or

sbb dia pemarah lah dia suke makan benda manis.

which one?

have u ever woke up in the morning with the feeling of something is wrong, your heart feels like it is going to explode, your body sweats from an anger of which you dun even know what is the exact reason, have u?

this is what is so called morning anxiety. 

it is surprisingly common, with no clinical definition but incredibly stressful because it tends to start your day off on a negative note. you'll have some days where morning anxiety fades as the day wears on, but often you'll find that when you start ur day with anxiety, some type of stress or anxiety persists until you go to sleep.

one of the good reasons to explain this behavior is the lack of glucose in your blood. 

the reason that anxiety is worse in the morning is because this is when the body produces the most cortisol. this is a stimulant and of course the body produces it to help us to wake up. however, this is also one of the hormones produced when we are under stress. another reason that anxiety is more likely to strike first thing in the morning is that u have gone all night without food.

when someone's blood sugar is low, the brain is running out of fuel in the form of carbohydrates and it interprets this as a serious threat. 

this causes the brain to trigger the flight or fight response which sends a rush of adrenaline, cortisol, and other neurotransmitter through the body to prepare you to fight or flee the perceived threat.

this process then trigger physical reactions such as trembling, rapid heartbeat, sweating, panic attacks, fatigue, insomnia, mental confusion, nervousness, dizziness, and more.

mental confusion..?

ok, now i've found the reason for my previous entry. i seldom eat properly this lately, and i think that helps the most to explain my weird behavior and so on.

ok, maybe this also can be the explanation on why an ill-tempered person loves to eat sweets, perhaps. 

ohmaigadd, i'm loving biology!

plainly weird

i think, something is just going wrong with me this lately. i am not very sure myself. 

i'm easily annoyed, distressed all the time, being paranoid without any certain reasons, i am just

plainly weird.

i just dunno what is going on actually. maybe too stress with the thesis, or perhaps the surrounding people..? 

i dunno myself. feeling anxious, dissatisfied with own self, being angry on little things, sighing all the time.

haihh. i dun even know who am i.

so, taking into consideration on how weird i am this lately, i did lottttts of personality and psychology test. i am just too scared how if something is really going wrong with my mind, who knows?  the thing that worries me the most is actually my ability to handle stress. i know, i am not someone who's good in handling tense situation or so on, but i am pretty sure i did better in the past. 

how come in this lately even the tinniest little thing in the world could make my heart thumps so hard like it was gonna explode? and if there's something wrong happen and my anger cracks, i know i could handle it well, i could hold it in properly, but for some reason my heart just burning and my body get sweated for that. 

and why is that...? something wrong with the hormone?

so, here is some of my tests' results, not as good as i hope, but somewhat agreeable.

there are still lots of them, tp apalah gunanya menampal segalanye di muka belog ini kan?

in conclusion, pattern nye sume same.

i am not very emotionally stable, easy to be distracted, mood swing like a roller coaster, disagreeable, somewhat closed minded person, sometimes an organized people but sometime tends to be really disorganized, hate to be a weakling yet actually is a weakling (and that contributes the most to the stress reason), not a forgiving person, sometimes enjoys being with new people but sometimes has the tendency to prefer being alone.

in conclusion, swing easily.

like a roller coaster.

the mood, the personality, everything.

eyh, i list down yg bad jek. huhu. nampak cm sume bad jek plak kn, xkn le plak nk tlis2 memuji dri sndri kt cni, tawu ler ni belog sndri, tp, kulit x cukup tebal kot. hew3.

so, for the time being, just accept the fact that i'm severely stress. 

everything's gonna be find soon. 

real soon. 

yours sincerely.

i'm sorry.

ahahh!

cinta lama bertaut kembali *winkwink*

i am sooo loving this.

hekkss.

this is what we call kewLLL.