words for the day

mental confusion. that is the words for the day.

last entry was about the morning anxiety, the previous one was about the psychology test, and today, it's gonna be about the mental confusion.

okay, it is not really about the mental confusion. it will be more about sadness.

what is sadness?

according to the wikipedia, sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness and sorrow. these feelings of certain things are usually negative. when one is sad, people often become less outspoken, less energetic, and emotional. crying is often, but not necessarily an indication of sadness.

crying - that is actually the real word for the day.

i spent half of my day at lab crying today, and for some reasons, i felt really annoyed with myself. 

the problem is not that big (i guess), i just need to add few more simulation experiments which sensei said necessary for my presentation. since my simulations are pretty complex and there are too much of them till the main objective for my experiments is upside down, sensei wants something more firm for my final results.

i just nodded. even when sensei asked for my opinion, i just said,

'ok, let's do that'

even in my head, i am 100% sure, i dun wanna do that simulation again.

first, the software for the simulation is not in my pc anymore.

second, i dun wanna see that spider-web-look model anymore.

third, i have finished 80% writing my english version thesis. 

forth, i'm done with the slide presentation for the rehearsal next week.

fifth, i dun wanna think anymore.

sixth, i want to spend my time on translating the thesis into japanese version.

seventh, i am afraid if by last minute inspection i'd found something wrong with my models.

eighth, i am tired.

ninth, i am sad.

tenth, i have worked so hard.

and albeit for all of those ten reasons, i still couldn't accept the truth that i was crying badly through the evening. even until the end, when i walked home at 8, there's still some tears spilled out of my eyes. the last time i was crying this badly was during the canal treatment few months ago, but that was acceptable since the pain is no joke. 

i guess, it is because i am too tired. 

and comparing myself with the other six students, i have the guts to say that i'm working really hard. yet, why this is happening to me? 

plus the final reason which i think is actually the real reason for my unstoppable tears,

 i am disappointed with my own self.

for the first time in my life, i have found something i have really given my best to, yet, it is not going in my way. perhaps, Allah's way to test hambaNya.

but for now, i really need to rest, or else this swollen eyes would get worse by tomorrow morning. still have meeting with sensei tomorrow, to discuss what i'm going to do since the results for the new simulations (which i barely able to run them this evening as i was fighting back my tears) is not as expected.

please do pray for me.

ya Allah, please ease my way.