Thanks God I found You.

Thanks God I found you.

Last Sunday I had encountered a new thing in my life - the doctor said I got gastric.

Speechless and shock. I thought gastric is just about stomach ache. I had totally no idea that my headache, nauseous feeling and so on is all coming from that one issue.

I need to be rested, yet I got plenty of work need to be done. The previous week I had already pulun my job, working 5days which feels like 5months, and I need to continue doing that, at least until the end of this week. Because I have a Japanese supporter coming here to guide me and work together with me for this two weeks. So, I need to be fit and on my optimized mode. Who had ever thought that I would lost my biggest tip - I lost my appetite. Unable to eat even felt so hungry. Put in a bit of force, end up I vomitted them out. I was no more energetic as before. One day felt so long so un-end-able. Though, I survived till the day five since I met the doctor.

And today, I nearly loss another something big tip of mine - my precious.

Thanks God I've found you. Why did you slip away suddenly?

You getting bigger suddenly, or my finger getting skinnier this recently?

Indeed, people keep saying the second option more.

*sigh*

WAWA

Terlalu busy menjadi orang dewasa - terus terlupa wujudnya belog ntah hape-hape ni. Tp, belog ntah hape2 ni lah peneman zaman mude2 dulu....

Halllluuuuuuuuuuuuuu assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah. masih bernyawa, masih sempurna akal fikiran segala, masih lagi seorang WAWA.

eyh.
mungkin bakal berdua. haha. fulsetop.


alhamdulillah, 6 bulan sudah bergelar cik enjinia.*clap clap*. what can i conclude as my main job scope - bergelumang dgn word 'rootcause'. stiap hari setiap saat setiap waktu, dlm kepale kne 'lincah' berfikir KENAPA sesuatu itu terjadi. everything happen for a reason, eyh no, everything should and MUST have a reason. perlu gigih dan gagah usaha korek smpi lubang cacing.


Pernah one big case occur, kepale rse cm nk gugur segala rmbot sbb b'minggu2 x jupe jupe dy punye jwpn utk KENAPA. Time tu ikot ht rse cm tnjuk gengsta telangkupkan meja time meetin bilamana boss dok gasak2 kite suh bgtaw jugk KENAPA. Seb bek i x bpe nk gengsta. Hueh.

Yang penting, keje kilang ni kewl jugak perasaan dy ghopenye. Tmbh2 bilemane org dok wat muke terkejot puyu bile dorg tnye soklan poyo "baru balik Jepon eyh? keje ape skrg?"
i pom dgn bangga dan b'besor hatinye pon bg jawapan poyo,
"keje kilang."
tros muke jadi kaler biru. hah! blakang2 dok p 'puji' kt kito g mnuntut smpi nk dkt ke cino doh (dkt2 la tuh jepon china), tp blik2 kije kilang.
nk wt lagu manee tu jek yg mampu.

drpd sy merompak as freelancer, kan?


hoi orang Malaysia, insaf please. Jgn merompak tolong. Kesian kt kami2 yg hidup ketakutan nih.
and oyeaahh klu sume org study obersee blik jd menteri, menteri2 kite skrg yg bijak pndi tu nk dibuang ke mne, btol x? hueh.

i am aging.

dalam banyak-banyak hari, i do hate 17th May the most.

because it is a day before my birthday.

i dunno why, and i dunno if other people do have the same problem and issue like me, but seriously, i'm a little bit emotional on this date. i feel down, especially when i am all alone. i feel sad, frustrated for no reason, and the most important thing is, i DO feel old. i am aging.

i did notice this problem when i was in AAJ, during my first year in UM. for some reason, i could feel the gloomy aura creeping into my heart, especially during the late evening. i tended to not to talk to people, but, i didn't want to be left alone. 

what is this problem? why am i behaving like this?

seperti kebiasaannya, sy terus laju menaip papan kekunci cuba mengugel apekah permasalahan jiwa ini. secara seriusnya, ia amat mengganggu gugat jiwa sy yg masih muda ini. kenapa sy berperasaan begini, kenapa sy berkelakuan sebegini.

'birthday stress'

'stress before birthday'

'a day before birthday'

okey, dia kua lagu ke tajuk movie ke hape ntah. tp yg penting, sy tidak bertemu jawapannya.

ad yang memberikan pandangan, kesedihan mungkin kerana bakal menamatkan zaman sesuatu angka, dan bakal beralih ke suatu angka yang baru. kemudian sy meningkah, 'age is just a number'

suda begitu, kenapa berat hatinya?

sy tidak mahu bersendirian. 'mungkinkah anda takut tiada siapa yang bakal meng'wish birthday anda nanti?' dan kemudian sy menjawab lagi, 'sekarang zaman siber, segalanya di fesbuk saje. tiada lagi prank call dari kgkwn, bersorak menyanyikan lagu Allah selamatkan kamu. tiada lagi kejutan balingan kek, mahupun tepung serta telur. dunia da maju'

habis tu kenapa?

sy terasa esok sy bakal tua. sy yg esok, sudah tidak sama dgn sy yg harini. mungkin betul, peralihan angka, sebenarnya sedikit sebanyak mengimpak sy. tiada teman di sisi, ye, sy takut tiada siapa yang mengingati 18 May itu sebagai hari kelahiran sy. sy bimbang kekecewaan itu bakal membuatkan sy mengalirkan air mata, jadi lebih baiklah sy bersama seseorang walaupun seseorang itu tidak pernah tahu pun hari esok bakal menjadi tarikh keramat kelahiran sy.

alah, hari jadi sekadar hari jadi, apa yg penting sgt pon kn?

eyh. sy pn x penah smbut kot masa kecik2. mak ayah sy pon entah entah dah x ingat pun kot esok adalah tarikh 24 tahun yang lepas ibu sy dikejarkan ke hospital buat kali pertama. sy bukanlah anak yg sulung, empat abang berderet di atas. tp, nk buat mcm mne, anak hujung, xnk keluar tgok dunia walaupun da smpi masanya, terpaksalah mak sy menggendong sy terlebih masa. last-last ke hospital jugaklah jawabnya. abang yg lain, lega jek mudah saje bersalin bidan kampung, di rumah sje sambutnye.

anak special lah katekan, nk buat mcm mne ye dak?

yg penting, terima kasih emak, sudi melahirkan sy. terima kasih sabar menggendong sy lebih dri 9bulan. terima kasih sbb mak x campak sy ke mana-mana. terima kasih mak x gugurkan sy. terima kasih untuk segalanya.

doakan sy menjadi anak yg baik. doakan sy tidak berkesudahan si tanggang moden. doakan sy sempat membalas jasa kedua orang tua, walaupun sy tahu emas berlian xkn mampu membayar segala pengorbanan mereka. hanya Allah yg mampu membalas sewajarnya.

mungkin sebenarnya, rse semakin tua, tetapi amalan tidak setara mana. jiwa tahu jasad semakin menghampiri mati, tetapi akal mudah meningkah tidak perlu fikirkan lagi. 

duhailah hati, yappari bukan dipegang oleh diri sendiri.

bajet artis sekejap.

anyway, perot sy bukan buncit, sy x suka mengunyah ais. tu angin yg terbang-terbangkan baju sy.

-graduation day, 23 March 2013-

selamat hari ibu.

selamat hari guru.

selamat hari jadi sy.

Malaysia Terchenta

last entry, lebih daripada dua bulan yang lalu. phewwww, habuk penuh bertampuk-tampuk. yang putih jadi hitam, yang hitam semakin hitam. 

ehem ehem. assalaaaaaaamualaikum!

alhamdulillah, langsung menaip dari tanah air terchenta, bumi Malaysia. alhamdulillah lagi, saya masih bernafas and insyaAllah tiada sebarang penyakit kronik lagi. alhamdulillah juga, segala anggota badan serba serbi masih sempurna. alhamdulillah, ye, sy masih bernyawa.

dua bulan di Malaysia, pheww, xperlu diterangkan lagi. bukan mudah untuk saya kembali mengadaptasi diri dengan budaya sendiri. terhumban ke sebuah negara maju yang megah serta rakyatnya yang mengamalkan polisi people first, ye, saya mengaku, sedikit sebanyak apabila pulang ke Malaysia, bibir ini tidak habis terkumat-kumit memaki serta mencaci. rungutan demi rungutan dilemparkan saban hari. kerenah birokrasi yang merumitkan, perihal kakitangan kaunter servis yang semacam they're the BOSS, urusan pembelian yang leceh dek kerana si penjual yang tiada wang kecil untuk tukaran, aspek kebersihan terutamanya tandas-tandas awam yang langsung tidak dipedulikan, perilaku atas jalan raya yang serius langsung tidak sopan, tidak lupa pula dibicarakan perihal keselamatan, warga mudanya yang kurang ajar, biadap langsung tiada rasa hormat, usikan sinis dan nakal si rempit-rempit jalanan, sumpah, saya ingin segera kembali ke Japan.

ye, serius, saya cukup tertekan pada minggu-minggu pertama sekembalinya ke Malaysia. jika sebelum ini, ketika pulang bercuti, segala hal ini saya pandang remeh dan langsung malas untuk difikirkan lebih daripada sepuluh saat, kerana sy tahu, di sini bukan tempat sy, sy bakal pulang, sy akan kembali ke Japan. jd, sy hanya perlu bersabar, dan bertahan, hanya untuk seketika. tetapi, kali ini, segala-galanya sudah berubah. i'm here for good. mahu tidak mahu, saya perlu menghadap semua ini sampai mati. or, maybe at least smpi suatu jangka masa tertentu yang buat masa ini kelihatannya seperti forever.

kedengarannya seperti kronik benar bukan? seumpama nampak betapa benci dan tidak hinginnya saya tinggal di Malaysia, betapa suka dan sayang serta agungnya saya menjunjung Japan. sungguh wajar saya dibuang negara bukan?

oh, tidak diambil kira lagi isu semasa. perdebatan politik di sana sini, isu racism, yang sini mengkafirkan sana, yang sana membodohkan sini. tambah hangat, muda-mudi negara yang semuanya berlagak pandai tahu serba-serbi. saya tidak tahu apa yang sebenarnya telah berlaku kepada anak muda negara kita. oh mungkin bukan hanya anak muda, tapi semuanya. oh serius, bencinya saya berada di dalam situasi ini.

namun begitu, heh, hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, kan? setinggi mana ditatang Japan tuh, seenteng mana dipandang Malaysia ni, saya tetap anak Malaysia. ye, sy Melayu yang mudah lupa, tetapi tidak begitu susah untuk kembali mengingatkan sy. 19 tahun sy di bumi sendiri berbanding hanya 4 tahun di negara orang, takkan sebegitu mudah nak membuang terus negara sendiri kan? ye, memang betul rata-rata manusianya kurang beradab dan bajet hebat, tetapi masih muncul segelintir yang baik bukan? yang benar-benar berbudi bahasa dan ikhlas membantu, yang sedang berusaha cuba untuk membangkitkan kembali modal insan rakyat Malaysia. ye, masih wujud golongan itu.

dan tak salah andainya saya juga berusaha untuk turut membantu menjadi salah seorang daripada penyumbang itu. 

mari wujudkan Malaysia yang indah kawan-kawan.

tulisan saya kali ini mungkin kedengarannya agak melampau. mungkin tidak wajar. tapi, tak salah kot nak mengkritik perkara yang benar kan? sedangkan kritikan Rajagopal pun pihak FAM xley nak sabitkan kesalahan, apelah sgt nak dibandingkan dgn kritikan sy yang hanya sekelumit kuman ni pon x sampai. heh.

nampak x saya bersamping tuh? haaa. jgn maen2. hiks.

-Borobudur, April 2013-

counting days 2 - i love my lab.

i'm missing the kenkyushitsu life already.

even compared to other laboratories, or other departments, ours can be said as spending the least time in lab, but still, there are times when we're all together staying up late till pass the midnight, running for the deadline and so on.

it was so much fun, and i'm pretty sure, i'm gonna miss them a lot.

after a while since the summer vacation, this is the first time for all of 7 of us were in the lab. our first zentai zemi was around the corner back then, so all of us were kinda nervous and dun really know how to do the presentation and so on.

and that was when we're coming closer to each other. well, since we're doing our final year project on our own, i mean, the experiments, the themes, all are different, so we dun have that much opportunities to talk to each other.

because we are the production system laboratory which almost 90 percents of the idea is about the best profit generated from the minimum time period with the maximum usage of workforce, so, this is what we do when we were given the task to submit 60 copies of our presentation abstracts by combining all 7 of ours into booklet type. kerjasama membawa berkat lah katakan.

our mid term presentation. our lab was the last to present, which was around 4 to 5 o'clock in the evening. so, instead of being nervous, we're all more to become exhausted of waiting.

ahah! same things were done for the final presentation. see, dat tallest guy. i'm always telling my friends that he's sumwhat similar with the big bang's TOP. i know TOP is wayyyyyyyy handsome-er, kakkoi-er, and er er er, but, i just wanna say that their voice type is similar - man deep voice, then, their behavior, i mean from what i see lah, then, their size of course. haha!

not to mention, their eyes ;p

done submitting our abstracts for the final presentation. see, we did everything in jemaah! even one person is enough for submitting those booklets, but we prefer to do it together, and that is why i really love them.

my lab members. spotted that awet muda bapak of mine in the front. phew, genki de ne otousan. 1nenkan hontouni hontouni osewa ni natte orimasu. ima no genjiten dewa hontouwa mada mada owattenainn desuga, tonikaku saki ni yutttoku wa, arigatai kimochi wo tsutaetai.

and also, those 3 kakang-kakang gue, makasih ya bapak bapak sekalian. iAllah panjang usia, kita ketemu lagi ya. saya menunggu bapak2 ke Malaysia, iA i'd give u all my warm welcome.

me and tasshi. everyone know that we're both workaholic (i can't really comment on this), and we spend much of our time together in the lab. even since my first year here, i already know that me and tasshi can really get together well, because there are some certain things similar within us. when it comes to study, we talk the same words. we compete in silence but we both know that we're competing each other. when we talk about future things, our ideas and our imaginations match really well. she's gonna walk the way i'd walk, i'm gonna take the path she'd take. i like her, she is really one of a kind.

eyh, but i do love my other friends too. hehehe, minna, daisuki dayo!

dandan samishikunattekita ne. 

i went to lab today, to edit my thesis and see my sensei, but only tasshi there. she came to print something. and then, there're only two of us, from seven of undergrad students. we both talked about the pertemuan and perpisahan. haih.. how time flies..

i'm gonna end the entry just like this. because i'm getting sadder and sadder as i'm typing this entry.

sore jya!

graduation trip yeww

1 march 2013, 29 hari lagi bakal berubah tempat kaki bermastautin.

oh mai goddddd.. betapa pantasnya masa berlalu.

dan betapa beratnya hati ni nk meninggalkan bumi japang nih.

adeyh, xnk pk.

anyway, me and my beloved friends went for graduation trip few days ago. it was sooo dang awesome! i bet  i lost few kilos for the mountain climbing and so on, yet, due to my big appetite, unfortunately i've got few kilos plus plak gyakuni. bluerghhhh. whatever, it's not like i'm overweight or what, my bmi is still normal though. *menyedapkan diri sendiri*

our last trip together i guess. excited all over since from the early morning. shinkansen from mihara to osaka, then rented car from osaka.

wakayama, here we come!

first day, enjoying the sunset view at white sand beach. it is white, seriously no joke.

our first night in super duper cute hostel. it was very cozy, first class service, washlet of course, the scenery was superb!

second day, pendakian pertama. ketahuilah, perjalanan itu sememangnya masih jauh. masih jaaaaaaaaauh.

this is only the beginning.

kumado. i think kumado is jalan yg batu2 mcm tuh, mse x hujan, it was fun lah, ble da hujan, kasut terslip sket, mmg tergolekmolek lah ke bawah.

well, that uncle had done his best capturing our picture, so i have to say, yea dis pic is pretty nice. huhuh.

sy yg kelihatan sebegitu tinggi sekali. perghh. ni muke bahagie setelah bergadai nyawa 2 jam adrenalin mengalir deras meredah gunung ganang yg jalannye berkeluasan hanyalah sekangkang kera, ditambah buruk keadaan lori besaq dok lalu lalang menyebabkn kereta kami seringkali hampir tercampak ke lurah gunung gaung setiap kali berselisih. hadeyy. nk describe mcm mne perasaannye pon payah.

tp pulang dri tmpt ni, kami semua belajar baaanyak perkara.

pertama, terowong jalan perlu dihargai. 20 minit perjalanan jd 2jam perjalanan memusing gunung dek kerana terowong xley pakai akibat ad runtuhan.

kedua, jalan lebar saaaangat bermakna. 

ketiga, muafakat membawa berkat. org kiri dok jaga balance kiri, org kanan dok jaga balance kete kanan, org blakang dok tenung tym nk reverse2 tym selisih kete dri depan.

keempat, hidup perlu maju ke depan. signboard sblom jalan msok gunung, 'once masok xley patah balik' - lebih kurg mcm ni lah bunyinya. tashikani, mmg lgsg xd ruang utk kami patah balik. 

kelima, kata2 semangat itu penting. my friend yg drive keep kate, 'oh penat, oh impossible, oh i can't do dis' n siyesly keadaan agk tense tmbh2 ble hujan turun. tp, dgn wujudnya kami berlima yg setiap minit dok ckp 'ganbare emi cang, ganbare, mou chotto da yo, mou sugu tsuku yo' n bla2, alhmdlh, we made it!

keenam, something yg not easy utk kte achieve, yappari nilainya saangatlah besar. habis- habisan ktorg sugosu jikan kt cni dek kerana begitu lelahnye nk smpi ke cni. haha.

ok, enuff menaip.

dan inilah tempatnya. haha! world heritage kot nih. ia sebenarnya hanyalah jalan kecik di atas puncak gunung, and i'm not really sure knp ia jd world heritage sbnonye.

ahhah! photographer nk msok gmbaq jue! third day.

kali ni kembali mendaki dgn kaki, this was actually our 3rd pendakian. and we thought we could finish it.......

penat mendaki jalan x berpenghujung, kyukei sat snap snap.

yet, we gave up. it was endless. dgn kabus tebalnya, hutan banat sebegini, kami sayangkan nyawa kami.

muke bahagia setelah berpenat lelah menapak. posing x paham knpe nk kne wat cmtuh. ceyh.

then, bateri kamera abes. tettttt.

trip kali ni, mata sy seriussssssss segar bugar. meredah hutan banat, gunung ganang, hijau merata alam, subhanallah, indahnya bumi ciptaan Tuhan.

3hari, 40% adelah atas kereta. well, name pon road trip. huewh2. x kesahlah, yg penting mase di spend bersama tuh. huuuuu.

3hari feels like less than one day. cepat betul mse berlalu kan.

last dinner together.
will be missing u guys.

thanks a lot for these meaningful 4 years. suke duke pahit manis kite tempuh bersama. gelak ketawa riang ria juge bersama. ponteng wat jahat pon jemaah bersama. waahh i miss those time!

we'll be meeting again in Malaysia soon. i promise i'll give u all the best annai eva!

love u guys!

xoxo

counting days

the final presentation is over,

was over,

the last two days.

that was me, concluding my presentation.

not as good as i had wanted it to be,

not that bad though.

it was just fine.

and now i'm counting days, not for me for leaving my beloved japan, but for others for leaving me,

oh i hate those feeling.

how i wish we don't have to go anywhere, just need to stay at the same place, doing the same thing we're doing right now. even there'll be time we'll be bored of each other, or maybe perhaps on the things we're doing endlessly the same, but, we just can figure out the solution together.

there're still so much thing to do, so much journey to be traveled, so much fun to be experienced together.

so much.

i'm hating the word goodbye.

why does it have to exist?

we were once young.

we were once young.

and we've grown up together.

great dad to be.

great man to be.

great cooker to be.

great mum to be.

awesome wannabe!

may Allah guide our ways.

may we get what the best for us.

wish d best of luck for the five of us.

Hiroshima University students, batch 2009.

time is over!

ni chenta pertama,

sebelum knal 2pm, jyj, big bang, shinee, super junior, mblaq, dan blah2 yg seangkatan dgnnye.

suatu ketika dlu xske sgt jnis2 yg sume sebok nk menyanyi menari jek ni. oh, dlu lah tp. haha.

ketika saat tegar b'sme band2 sebegini, cnblue dan flumpool (japan) ichibann daisuki!

dan skrg chenta da b'taut kembali. hakss!

lagu-lagu m'gegar kepala dek ketika otak ligat b'pusing stress dipenyek-penyek dek thesis dan segala yg b'kaitan dgnnye.

huuuu.. pray for me please!

seminggu jek lg wawa, gaman shite, seiipppai gambarou!

we're both lucky

i'm lucky to have him as my supervisor.

he's lucky to have me as his student.

'you're working too hard hafiza'

'because you're too kind and follow everything whatever he asks, that's why he can do that'

yesterday, my friend said this to me (as she's trying to comfort me),

'look at me, if sensei said he wants me to do until 100, i only did 10.

then, the next time he pushed me and said, ok lah, let's work hard and just finish it to 50, but still, i did only 30.

and so, finally he said,

ok, enough with 30.

he gives up.

but hafiza,

if sensei said he wants you to do until 100, u'll finish it until 100.

then, the next time sensei will ask for more since he knows u can do it, so 150, and u work hard to reach it.

and then, for the next next time, sensei will ask for 200, and u, muri ni natttemo, muri yari u'll do it.

and, that is why, there will be the next next next time, next and next and next.

endless.

he'll ask for more since he knows u'll try to do them until the end'

i just nodded. somewhat agreeable. as i said before, comparing me and my friends, i have the guts to say that i'm working harder than them.

'because he's too kind. i'm unable to bring out myself to say no. he's doing everything for me. and i guess, he must be tired to handle a foreign student like me.'

yep, seriously, this is my answer. 

i'm always telling my friends and my juniors that i have a really kindhearted sensei, he is like a dad. comparing him to another 2 senseis, i always say to myself that i'm really lucky to have him as my supervisor. he's super understanding, super tolerable, always talk to me in nice tone, he checks my presentation's layout words by words, sometimes he even writes the whole paragraph and asks me to just copy paste since he thinks it must be really hard for me to type in Japanese. in summarize, he's super kind, that's why he is a supervisor. lol. not to mention, my first day sy m'jejakkn kaki ke lab tu utk interview lab, he's the one yg jemput sy duduk tunggu dlm blik dy instead of mingle2 kt koridor mse nga waiting time.

baek bukan?

but then my friend said,

'he's been paid hafiza. it is his job. he has to work as much as he's being paid. and dun u ever think yourself as a burden to him. since he knows u can do it, that's why he had asked u to do more. if he's thinking the bad way, he'd never asked u to continue. he'll give up like my sensei.'

then she laughed.

my dear friend, i'm really appreciating your words and advice. (she's really caring, i swear!)

but u know, i'm being paid too. i got my scholarship, so i think, at least i should do my job properly too. even my scholar is too little to be compared to his salary, he's got much more work to do, much more students to be handled, papers to be marked, meetings to be attended, and bla bla bla.

but me, on the other hand, i just need to focus on my research.

that's all.

haha. but of course easy said than to be done.

kadang2 bile badan penat otak beku memamg hati ni dok m'berontak jugaklah. dok kua la idea2 jahat dri hati yg m'busuk,

but then, sedaya upaya mengingatkan hati,

curik instag ruby! thehe.

dan lagi satu hakikat yg menguatkan hati sy,

Allah x tengok hasil, Allah tengok usaha.

mata manusia giat menilai hasil, tp pandangan Allah lebih menumpu ke usaha.

jd, walaupun penat anda berusaha dan hasilnya tidaklah semengancam usaha anda itu,

pujuklah hati dgn hakikat ini ye!

doakan me plis!

yours sincerely.  

eyh, perlu rephrase ayat atas td,

i'm lucky to have him as my supervisor.

but they said 'he's lucky to have me as his student'.

in conclusion, we're both lucky.

theehee.

words for the day

mental confusion. that is the words for the day.

last entry was about the morning anxiety, the previous one was about the psychology test, and today, it's gonna be about the mental confusion.

okay, it is not really about the mental confusion. it will be more about sadness.

what is sadness?

according to the wikipedia, sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness and sorrow. these feelings of certain things are usually negative. when one is sad, people often become less outspoken, less energetic, and emotional. crying is often, but not necessarily an indication of sadness.

crying - that is actually the real word for the day.

i spent half of my day at lab crying today, and for some reasons, i felt really annoyed with myself. 

the problem is not that big (i guess), i just need to add few more simulation experiments which sensei said necessary for my presentation. since my simulations are pretty complex and there are too much of them till the main objective for my experiments is upside down, sensei wants something more firm for my final results.

i just nodded. even when sensei asked for my opinion, i just said,

'ok, let's do that'

even in my head, i am 100% sure, i dun wanna do that simulation again.

first, the software for the simulation is not in my pc anymore.

second, i dun wanna see that spider-web-look model anymore.

third, i have finished 80% writing my english version thesis. 

forth, i'm done with the slide presentation for the rehearsal next week.

fifth, i dun wanna think anymore.

sixth, i want to spend my time on translating the thesis into japanese version.

seventh, i am afraid if by last minute inspection i'd found something wrong with my models.

eighth, i am tired.

ninth, i am sad.

tenth, i have worked so hard.

and albeit for all of those ten reasons, i still couldn't accept the truth that i was crying badly through the evening. even until the end, when i walked home at 8, there's still some tears spilled out of my eyes. the last time i was crying this badly was during the canal treatment few months ago, but that was acceptable since the pain is no joke. 

i guess, it is because i am too tired. 

and comparing myself with the other six students, i have the guts to say that i'm working really hard. yet, why this is happening to me? 

plus the final reason which i think is actually the real reason for my unstoppable tears,

 i am disappointed with my own self.

for the first time in my life, i have found something i have really given my best to, yet, it is not going in my way. perhaps, Allah's way to test hambaNya.

but for now, i really need to rest, or else this swollen eyes would get worse by tomorrow morning. still have meeting with sensei tomorrow, to discuss what i'm going to do since the results for the new simulations (which i barely able to run them this evening as i was fighting back my tears) is not as expected.

please do pray for me.

ya Allah, please ease my way.

morning anxiety..?

orang yg suke makan benda manis ni pemarah orangnya.

or

sbb dia pemarah lah dia suke makan benda manis.

which one?

have u ever woke up in the morning with the feeling of something is wrong, your heart feels like it is going to explode, your body sweats from an anger of which you dun even know what is the exact reason, have u?

this is what is so called morning anxiety. 

it is surprisingly common, with no clinical definition but incredibly stressful because it tends to start your day off on a negative note. you'll have some days where morning anxiety fades as the day wears on, but often you'll find that when you start ur day with anxiety, some type of stress or anxiety persists until you go to sleep.

one of the good reasons to explain this behavior is the lack of glucose in your blood. 

the reason that anxiety is worse in the morning is because this is when the body produces the most cortisol. this is a stimulant and of course the body produces it to help us to wake up. however, this is also one of the hormones produced when we are under stress. another reason that anxiety is more likely to strike first thing in the morning is that u have gone all night without food.

when someone's blood sugar is low, the brain is running out of fuel in the form of carbohydrates and it interprets this as a serious threat. 

this causes the brain to trigger the flight or fight response which sends a rush of adrenaline, cortisol, and other neurotransmitter through the body to prepare you to fight or flee the perceived threat.

this process then trigger physical reactions such as trembling, rapid heartbeat, sweating, panic attacks, fatigue, insomnia, mental confusion, nervousness, dizziness, and more.

mental confusion..?

ok, now i've found the reason for my previous entry. i seldom eat properly this lately, and i think that helps the most to explain my weird behavior and so on.

ok, maybe this also can be the explanation on why an ill-tempered person loves to eat sweets, perhaps. 

ohmaigadd, i'm loving biology!

plainly weird

i think, something is just going wrong with me this lately. i am not very sure myself. 

i'm easily annoyed, distressed all the time, being paranoid without any certain reasons, i am just

plainly weird.

i just dunno what is going on actually. maybe too stress with the thesis, or perhaps the surrounding people..? 

i dunno myself. feeling anxious, dissatisfied with own self, being angry on little things, sighing all the time.

haihh. i dun even know who am i.

so, taking into consideration on how weird i am this lately, i did lottttts of personality and psychology test. i am just too scared how if something is really going wrong with my mind, who knows?  the thing that worries me the most is actually my ability to handle stress. i know, i am not someone who's good in handling tense situation or so on, but i am pretty sure i did better in the past. 

how come in this lately even the tinniest little thing in the world could make my heart thumps so hard like it was gonna explode? and if there's something wrong happen and my anger cracks, i know i could handle it well, i could hold it in properly, but for some reason my heart just burning and my body get sweated for that. 

and why is that...? something wrong with the hormone?

so, here is some of my tests' results, not as good as i hope, but somewhat agreeable.

there are still lots of them, tp apalah gunanya menampal segalanye di muka belog ini kan?

in conclusion, pattern nye sume same.

i am not very emotionally stable, easy to be distracted, mood swing like a roller coaster, disagreeable, somewhat closed minded person, sometimes an organized people but sometime tends to be really disorganized, hate to be a weakling yet actually is a weakling (and that contributes the most to the stress reason), not a forgiving person, sometimes enjoys being with new people but sometimes has the tendency to prefer being alone.

in conclusion, swing easily.

like a roller coaster.

the mood, the personality, everything.

eyh, i list down yg bad jek. huhu. nampak cm sume bad jek plak kn, xkn le plak nk tlis2 memuji dri sndri kt cni, tawu ler ni belog sndri, tp, kulit x cukup tebal kot. hew3.

so, for the time being, just accept the fact that i'm severely stress. 

everything's gonna be find soon. 

real soon. 

yours sincerely.

i'm sorry.

ahahh!

cinta lama bertaut kembali *winkwink*

i am sooo loving this.

hekkss.

this is what we call kewLLL.

a Loooooooong entry, on universal face and budak kampung story

i have a reaaaally good story to tell.

u know what, wherever i go, people tend to say this to me,

'eyh, ur face very familiar lah!'

'aaaa.. muke same dgn si polan si polan!'

'ade kakak eyh blaja kt sini kt sini?'

'eyh aritu i saw someone muke mcm u lah!'

n bla bla bla. ohokkk. my face is sooo universal!

when i was in high school, junior high school to be exact, i still remember during the orientation week, some seniors noticed my face to be very similar with the school science's teacher. she's young, not married yet, and well, i think she' quite pretty but to say it myself with my own two lips while others grouping us as the 70 to 80% of face similarities, its kinda weird like i was saying my face pretty, on my own. o my God, please pardon me for saying that. seriously, this is not intended to say i'm pretty or whatsoever, its just, 

i wanna say that sensei is pretteyhh!

*i dunno why the heck i'm explaining it way too long here*

anyway, thanks to that teacher, i were noticed by many of the seniors. well, nice come to nicer (oh, ad ke phrase mcm nih?), she turned out to be our class teacher. i still remember her name, Miss Rosnani. she taught us science. well, i was still innocent on that time, just imagine, i'm just 13 y' old. oh, now it was like 11 years ago, how times flies. i like the part where we're standing side by side, next to each other. people tends to take a peek at us, and especially when it was during perhimpunan pagi or any occasions where there're lots of students and teachers paid attention to us. and she, of course easygoing and very sporting, she used to say, 
'aah, dy adik sy' and something like that. owh, i miss those moments.

well, actually that was the first time my face was recognized by others, and thanks to that teacher for acknowledging me, i lived a really good life during high school. u know, with my pretty passive personality, plus a quite complex and severe lack of confidence and inferiority, it is not that easy to come out live the life to the fullest. plus, it was hard during the first step, i meant, my first year. 

u know why it was hard?

i come from a really humble family, deep down from the rural area. there were less than 100 students in my elementary school, and there were only 18 students of standard 6. i was the first person to grab 5A's for the UPSR and broke the best record of that school which was my brother's before with 4A's and 1B's. that previous year, there're students with 4A's and 1C's, and 3A's and 2B's. that was the best record after my brother. it seemed incredibly impossible for that one subject to be A for other students, and if i'm not mistaken, no one ever had. well, i guess u all know what's that subject was. 

for sure it is English. 

budak kampung, sah sah lah x reti omputeh. zaman dulu bukan mcm zaman skrg ni. 

10 years ago, education system in rural area was not as good as nowadays. i could imagine the shock the teachers had when the government announced the usage of English in Science and Maths few years ago. i was shocked too, enough to die. for rural kids like us, English is something very terrifying. not that the teacher were giving up hope, in fact they were trying their best. not enough the skills from our own teacher, school paid more to invite English teacher from other schools, the excellent one. but still, students performance were the same.  

 i still remember back then when i was in high school and i went to visit my elementary school just to meet up with my beloved mom-like-teacher, and she asked me, how did i do, how did i got that A for my English, and how come i can score almost to full mark for my English paper during the school time. i'm not someone from a good education family background. no one in my family ever talk in English, neither we have tons of English drama or movie or cartoons video tapes to watch every weekend like kids nowadays, i mean at least like my nieces and nephews. but how can i?

i can't remember what my answer was back then. but what i know, i do understand the kids' suffer. to fill in the blanks with the proper answer on the English test paper is not that easy. me myself, i dun even know how did i survive. thanks God for the miracle, and alhamdulillah for the good brain i'm carrying until now.

and back to the story, from such of that background, can u imagine my first day at high school? comparing myself with the others, seriously i'm dying of inferior complexity. that was the first day i took a first step throwing myself out into the world. for others, maybe it was nothing. the only thing changes is from parent's house to living in a hostel. but for me, that was the starting point, of me knowing the world in larger range. yeah, bad people called me jaguh kampung, 

'kat kampung bley laa nk berdiri atas semua orang, tunjuk tererr'

but thank you bad people, your bad comments have made me able to reach here. haters gonna hate right?

and alhamdulillah, now i'm Japan. taking another few steps into the real world, and even i'm already in this place, i'm still having that inferior complexity. well, just because i didn't show it doesn't mean i don't feel it. too many factors contributing to that inferior complexity, but i guess, everyone has their own pros and cons, bads and goods, right?

eyh, the point is, i just wanna say, my face is universal, and the definition for it is not that this face is laku to jual as cheknell cover, neither jimmy choo, but universal in its own world of too many so similar faces. i guess because my face is too Malay, then all the sevens of my 'kembar' are Malays too. well u know, ad statement cakap there're 7 people with the similar face like us. and i guess i have already found all that seven.

and because i miss my first kakak kembaq so much, i tried to find her on the fb and luckily i found her!

and anyway, i'm the only daughter in family.

so, whenever u see someone like my face, seriously, she's not my sister.

one more thing! 

few years ago i wrote something about another bad people calling me budak kampung just because i replied her maki-maki message in Malays in this blog. i forgave that lady already, but i'm sorry miss, we're both women, we all know best our limitations on forgetting things right? 

i just wanna state here, 

yeah, i am budak kampung, and still am. but, dun judge me based on your lame definition of budak kampung. budak kampung nowadays ramai yg da berjaye beb.

heh. how come face story terpusing jd kisah budak kampung nih?

   

moments to remember ^^

ok. enuff wit d tons of pitchas.

2 months left until the graduation. i'm gonna miss dis a lot, i mean, really really lot.

sotsuron ganbare jibun!